patient impatience

My readings this morning were Psalm 10, 40, and 70.

Psalm 40 starts off: "I waited patiently for the Lord..." and ends almost impatiently "O my God, do not delay." Interestingly Psalm 70 is verbatim the same as Psalm 40:13-17.

Psalm 70:
Hasten, O God to save me; O Lord, come quickly to help me. May those who seek my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" turn back because of their shame. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "Let God be exalted!" Yet I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, O God. You are my help and my deliverer; O Lord, do not delay.

Psalm 10 ends with this assurance of God's heart for justice: "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more."

I found myself this morning with conflict in my spirit which nearly led me to an overwhelming paralysis. Psalm 10 led me to consider the victims of the genocide in Darfur. I prayed that man "may terrify no more" there. I prayed for the sex slave trade in Southeast Asia to be altogether halted. These massive prayer targets seemed so monolithic and unmovable. My prayers seemed too general and futile. And then Psalm 40 and 70 led me to consider my own pleas for freedom from oppression in my own life- freedom from the oppression of various health concerns, freedom from the oppression of crooked thought patterns, freedom from boredom, freedom from insecurity, freedom from unbelief. And my plight seemed so unworthy of comparison to what the refugees in Sudan have experienced or to some girl stuck involuntarily in a Brothel in New Dheli, but somehow my own struggles seemed to take a greater weight in my heart.

I want more than a self-indulgent spirituality and yet the psalmists boldly blaze the trail for us and let's us know that it is more than okay to pray for the personal struggles we all face. And I found this statement of David's refreshingly authentic: "...may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "Let God be exalted!" Yet I am poor and needy". David had a heart that all who seek the Lord would rejoice and be glad in Him. That they would always say, "Let God be exalted!" David prayed this others-centered prayer. And yet. David recognized the very real absence of gladness in his own heart - "I am poor and needy." Maybe he was joyfully needy, gladly poor...but the impetuous nature of these pleas seem to be saying - "I know how it should be - but in my heart, I'm not really there right now!"

Even David's pleas for social justice in Psalm 10 start off with that incredulous and impatient tone: "Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"

When I survey the ills of our broken planet, of our broken town, and of our broken individual lives, I get impatient for God to move mightily, to bring comfort to the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable. I want revival - personally, corporately in Moscow, across our nation, and over the face of the whole earth. I find myself patiently impatient. I know how things should be and I know how things really are. It's the awareness of the discrepancy that brings me to my knees. It's the knowledge of God's sovereign compassion that allows me to "wait patiently for the Lord" and it's real earth-time reality of what I live through and hear about that causes me to moan: "Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" "Hasten, O God, to save me; O Lord, come quickly to help me." David shows me how to live patiently impatient. He helps me find that balance between self-pity and God confidence, between self-oriented prayers and others-oriented pleas.

The Bible closes with Jesus assuring us, "Yes, I am coming soon." "Amen" says John. "Come, Lord Jesus." I echo John's prayer but I find myself thinking, "This is soon?" Can you speed it up abit Jesus? O God, give me patience in my impatience, but keep my impatient in my patience. Something about this contradicting conundrum makes God smile and helps us grow His heart, I'm sure of it.